Let's Talk About Love

Here's another book on my love and romance shelf: Trophy Man: The Surprising Secrets of Black Women Who Marry Well by Joy McElroy.

It took me weeks to decide on reviewing it for this series. That's because the book is not one of my favorites. Let me put that differently: When I first read Trophy Man I wanted to burn the book. But I couldn't. Bibliophiles don't burn books, even loathsome books. Any book with a premise that reads, "But ladies, let's face it: For many of us, success includes a husband and an ideal marriage" makes me nervous. McElroy is convinced that an ideal marriage is marriage to a professional man, one who carries platinum and gold credit cards in his wallet, one who earns enough to lavish luxuries on the woman astute enough to be on his arm.

Trophy Man is a mix of common-sense advice and interviews with successfully married women. Divided into chapters with titles such as, "He Wasn't Always a Trophy Man," "A Sample Is Ample," "Don't Stumble Out the Gate on the First Date," and "Men Don't Want to Marry Divas." Among McElroy's main points:"Men listen to what you say, so be clear on what you want; have an idea of what's meaningful and important in your life and relationship," "Be Independent, But Let Him Be A Man," "By working on yourself, improving yourself and not compromising your own standards, you put yourself in a position to attract a trophy man," "Look and act like a wife if you want to attract a husband."

Drawing on extensive interviews with black women married to top-notch doctors, lawyers, businessmen, athletes, educators, and politicians, Joy McElroy has set out to offer proven methods any woman can use to make a successful match. In Trophy Man she passes along the views and advice that wives of successful men have for those hoping to snag a "trophy man" for a husband.

Here's how the book's cover reads: You're attractive, fun to be around, and accomplished. Life is great. But it would be perfect if you had a partner by your side: a man with brains, ambition, a successful career, and eyes for you only. Problem is, where do you find a brother like that? And how do you make him realize that you're the one he should spend his life with?

You don't have to settle, says the author.

Admittedly, Trophy Man is written especially for high achieving, successful, platinum cardholding Trophy Women who are convinced that the only men worth marrying are men who share their educational, professional, and economic achievements. It's a class conscious book for class conscious women. McElroy writes to women who think that marriage to men of similar achievements is better in the long run. Brothers who work for UPS, Federal Express, and the Post Office - no matter how great their legs look peeping out from beneath their Bermuda shorts-- need not apply. But is a man's salary a reliable indicator of his ability to be a good husband? I don't think so.

"She who finds a husband finds a good thing, and obtains the favor of the Lord," to paraphrase the writer of Proverbs. As someone who's been happily married for thirteen years, I won't pretend that there haven't been days when I've wanted to pinch myself to be certain that my marriage to Martin isn't a dream. It's been a good, though far from perfect, marriage. And if it were left up to me, every woman who wants to would be married to the man of her dreams. But these things are not in my control. Nor are they in the control of others purporting to offer secrets and advice on the topic.

Why some women seem not to have any problem finding love, while others of us can never seem to meet the right guy; why some women manage to make that walk down the aisle in their 20s, while others stumble along into midlife without any serious marriage prospects; and why some women always seem to be able to attract men who probably won "the most likely to succeed" award in high school, while others of us are stuck with "the least likely to succeed" types--these are mysteries that friends and I have been known to stay up into wee hours of the night pondering while munching down bags of Doritos.

Fate, timing, chemistry, circumstances, and good fortune, I believe, have a lot to say about how and why some of us find romance sooner than do others.

But note what I didn't say: I didn't say that God is the reason some of us have not met Mr. Right. While I do believe that Providence plays a role in awakening us to our possibilities, I find it difficult to believe that God loves some people so much to see to it that they get all the love they can stand, but doesn't care for others enough to lift a finger to alleviate their loneliness.

Snagging a man with a corner office in a professional suite takes know how, McElroy believes. But does it really? I don't think so. I want to believe that professional men are not as gullible as all that.

What I do know is that wives of wealthy men have been known to live in their own special brand of hell. Wives of successful businessmen have had to flee to battered women's shelters in the middle of the night too. Many wives of wealthy men have first hand knowledge of how loveless and empty marriage can be to a man who loves his work more than he does you. And let's not forget Bernardine's troubles in "Waiting to Exhale": you can wake up one morning to discover not only that he's leaving you, but he's been manipulating the finances, and, by the way, what's his (e.g., salary, assets) is not necessarily yours.

What are we to make of the fact that of all U.S. population groups black women are the least likely to marry and the most likely to divorce, and that only 52% of black women are married by age 30 (compared to 81% of white women)? Are these indications that God has it out for black women? Does God bless some women, but not others? Absolutely not.

On one point McElroy and I do agree. Love, good, nourishing love that goes the distance with you, doesn't just walk up to a woman's door and knock. Finding love is an act of courage. It takes work and effort. Moreover, marriage is a gamble. I've seen the saved woman lose at it, and the unsaved woman win at it. And it wasn't because one was lucky or blessed, and the other wasn't. Marrying a man who is willing to go the emotional distance in building a relationship is at least part of the key.

So, what's my beef with Trophy Man? Books like that of McElroy's only adds to the guilt African American women already shoulder. In this case, Trophy Man is the sort of book that can leave single women feeling that they are to blame for being single. Women married to blue collar men could feel guilty and embarrassed for not "marrying well." Ex-wives of doctors, lawyers, corporate execs, and superstars are to blame for not having what it takes to "keep that good man." And high achieving, successful women are left shouldering their share of guilt for rising to ranks that often put them out of the social and economic reach of the majority of men and puts them into a competition with other women for the "few good men."

I don't fool myself. Despite my reservations about the book, most women reading this review are going to buy Trophy Man anyway because of what the subtitle promises: Secrets to Marrying Well. That's because when it's all said and done we're convinced that marriage to a powerfully successful man is still the ideal marriage; we're convinced that the reason we haven't married "well" is due to some fault and flaw in us; we're convinced that there's something we don't know that others who've married "well" know; we're convinced that marriage to a rich jerk is better than no marriage at all, better than marriage to a man who works the night shift at the post office so he can stay home during the day with your bedridden mom while you go off to work from 8-5pm

That said, let me hurry on and answer the question looming in readers' heads. Are you saying that we shouldn't be selective, or shouldn't have standards, when choosing life partners? Absolutely not. I agree that it's important to be selective. Just because a man loves you doesn't mean he deserves you. (Likewise, just because you love a man doesn't mean he deserves you.) The decision as to who to marry, who you will wed your life to for keeps, however, can not be determined on the basis of salary, cars, wardrobe, credit cards, nor the texture of one's hair. Just because a man has what it takes to earn a six figure salary doesn't mean he has what it takes to do the tedious, emotional work involved in creating a marriage. It doesn't take brains and degrees to build a good, strong marriage, rather it takes soul work to survive the winepress of intimacy.

A real trophy man, for those who traffic in trite labels, is not a man who makes lots of money. A real trophy of a man is one who is willing to experiment with new ways of expressing himself and being in relationship with women, a man who is tired of the old straitjacket model of domination and acting macho, a man willing to experiment with new definitions of masculinity because - despite the taunts and stares of those on the outside - he's willing to do whatever is necessary to adjust to and accommodate the changing needs of his marriage, the changing needs of this one woman, the changing circumstances of this partnership. The search for someone to build a life with is a search for one someone who is willing to experiment with loving and living with you in ways he's never imagined, but ways he's eager to experiment with. You find him, you've found a good a thing. Even if he wears Bermuda short or carries a drill bit to work.

Renita J. Weems, Ph.D.