"I Know Just What You Mean: Friendships Between Women"

Imagine how wonderful it would be if historians discovered evidence that suggested that Sojourner Truth (1797-1883) and Harriet Tubman (1820 -1913) enjoyed a close friendship.

Perhaps there are some women who have never felt lonely for a friend, but I don’t know any. In fact, I’ve never met a woman who wanted to live life without a girlfriend. “Without friends, problems weigh more and pleasures yield less joy,” writes Marla Paul in The Friendship Crisis. The plain truth is that friendship matters to women. Many of us who once believed men, children, and family were the center of life now know that friendships with other women can mean the difference between a lonely life and a lively one. The desire for love, trust, and intimacy is at the center of all close relationships, and friendship is no exception. But because friendship has no biological purpose, no economic status, and no theological grounding, we sometimes feel guilty about longing for the company of friends.

Unfortunately, there’s hardly any explicit attention paid in the Bible to women’s friendships. Plenty is said about antagonisms between women (e.g., Sarah and Hagar; Rachel and Leah; the two prostitutes who came before Solomon; Mary and Martha). But not enough is made of the close bond some women managed to form (e.g., Ruth and Naomi; Shiprah and Puah).

I think of the friends I’ve had the good fortune to make over the years, and I know that friends are those who despite all the ways in which we could be jealous of each other, compare ourselves to each other, and despite all the opportunities we have had to betray each other’s trust, lie to each other, steal from each other, and take advantage of each other’s weaknesses -- we have chosen not to go there in our relationship. We’ve certainly chosen not to stay there on those occasions when we have been less than perfect with each other. We've chosen to support each other, to celebrate each other, to stay true to each other, and to make ourselves available to each other in the good times and in the bad ones.

Ask women how they define friendship, and they talk about such things as being known and accepted, understood to the core; feeling you can count on trust and loyalty, having someone on your side; having someone to share worries and secrets as well as the good stuff of life, someone who needs you in return.

Okay, suppose the differences in their ages and the fact that while Sojourner was busy on the abolitionist and women’s suffrage speaking circuit, Harriet was escorting slaves to freedom, make it unlikely that the two women had time to keep up a friendship. Moreover, philosophical differences between the two make it unlikely that theirs would have been a friendship of the mind. In his book Sojourner Truth: Slave, Prophet, Legend, author Carlton Mabee tells of a historic meeting between the two women. In August of 1864, Truth and Tubman met in Boston where, "Truth tried to persuade Tubman that [Abraham] Lincoln was a real friend to blacks, but Tubman insisted he was not because he allowed black soldiers to be paid less than white soldiers."

Call me an idealist, but I like to think of Sojourner and Harriet relishing the opportunity to share a cup of tea or a wad of chewing tobacco whenever possible. (Keep in mind that the homes in upstate New York in which Sojourner Truth stayed when she was in town giving abolition and suffrage speeches would have been some of the same homes known to Harriet Tubman as offering safe harbor to those en route to freedom in Canada.) Just imagine those rare times when their paths crossed and the two women stole time away to stay up til the wee hours of the morning talking about their work, pondering the fate of American slaves and free blacks, amicably disagreeing over strategies, exchanging advice on who in their line of work could be trusted, sharing stories about their own children, and dreaming of the day when slaves (and women) were free and each could retire to her garden.

Ah yes, the joy of having a friend you feel comfortable with enough to sit and luxuriate in the silence the two of you share, feeling safe enough to say things that don’t have to be weighed, trusting the other to sift through those worth keeping and with a breath of kindness to blow away those that are not.

Have you called your friend today? When was the last time you told her how much you appreciate her friendship? Go ahead Sojourner. Right about now Harriet needs to hear from a friend.

Renita J. Weems, Ph.D.