Ashe . . . Ashe!

i am a stage in my life where i am ready to end two relationships. in one relationship, i feel my words are totally ignored. in the other relationship, i receive selective comments to my shared thoughts. when i felt frustrated in relationships, i used to ask for a divorce. divorce request would lead to repentance and reconciliation. now i am tired. two seasons are ending simultaneously. i know that God will heal me. i am not upset. i have learned from each relationship.

Sometimes, the silence is caused by one’s own confusion as to what, where, how and when the bond of a friendship is broken or changed. Especially in the case of “seasonal” friendships as you speak of them. During seasonal friendships, I’ve learned that you are the receiver or giver, teacher or student, comforter or one needing comfort. These are the sister-friends sent to us through grace to be with us through [usually challenging] seasons in our lives. These bonds are not intended to have enough “wick” for a lifetime – they have the right amount of “wick” for that season. They have been a blessing to me as the receiver, student, and one needing comforting, and I pray that I have reciprocated likewise for that “season” in the life of another. Does their ending hurt any less than friendships with more “wick”? No, and I suppose that’s because it’s usually in hindsight that I recognize them for what they were — just as I more clearly view, in hindsight, the seasons of my life.

Your phrase, “silence is violence” rings very true for me. I consider myself a loyal friend. My husband would say “loyal to a fault.” I give people passes in and out of my life when they don’t deserve it. I’m getting old enough now where I am not willing to do that. But I refuse to let go by not answering questions. Some people disappear because they know YOU are about to say, “this is working for me.” Or, “we’ve had a good run, but our lives have definitely taken a turn away from one another.” I don’t know how you properly break up from a friend that you love as much as or more than your mate. It’s painful, but in the words of Viorst, a “necesssary loss.” I will always think it cowardly for people to just disappear without saying a word. But, I suppose that’s my constitution. And, the grief of the losses of the ones you thought “would always be” is numbing at times, but in my “big girl britches” I am coming to understand that they also are inevitable. Thanks for broaching the subject for us…

i am also moved to reflect on the notion that silence is violence. i must admit silence is my mode of operandi. there are few significant relationships that i’ve ended in the past 10 years each without a word after what i perceived to be the final act of violence against me. with several of the relationships the other party has tried to re-enter but it is never the same. as you say not enough wick! i realize that the cost is too great for me. sometimes there’s nothing left to say. in these times silence becomes a virtue.

i also think silence becomes a virtue.it hurts more when there is silence between to people that once had been the greatest of friends.i have expierneced that and it is not good.that silence struck me like 10 needles in my heart but then i was the one that had to adimt was wrong.

silence is definitely violence. like physical, emotional and verbal abuse it is an attempt to control a person or circumstance by inflicting pain. it is not born of love, for love seeks the good of the other - even in parting. silence is born of anger; and it’s victims (like those of the batterer) are left hunting and searching for ways to make things better. if i just …

i’ve had 3 distinct encounters w/violently silenced relationships. the first left me completely baffled and concerned (even now – 10 years later). the second left me for dead (if not for the grace of God) and the last? well fortunately i saw that coming and got out before it could do any damage at all, praise God. there is nothing worse than that deafening silence!

I too am a victim of silence. But remember the saying, “Silence is Golden”. Sometimes it is better to keep silent than to point and blame and end up in a more volitile breakup. I once was not silent and my “friend” did her best to ruin my life. Now I am silent, because I have learned that even though some think they are adults, they really aren’t and never learned to actually talk out a problem. Some “friends” are takers and not givers and that becomes exhausting. Some “friends” are constant complainers and that becomes cumbersome and exhausting. Some friendships are one sided and when you stop communication and never hear from the person, it makes you wonder what the friendship was all about. Silence is golden.