No Rev. Weems, I agree with you; you are right on point. What Rev. Espinosa did is what a responsible, loving father is suppose to do. I think it’s called “loving” firmness.

I’m with you…for the most part. I don’t think fathers are expendable. And yeah, I’ll even say they are essential. Even as I work out my issues with my own father (who was and is still very much apart of my life), I know that I need him and the role he plays in my life–a role that probably has more to do with his particular personality than our traditional beliefs and notions of “what a father should be”.

I stop short, however, of valorizing (which I’m not saying you’re doing here) that power dynamic between men, that dynamic that produces “the kind of fear that only men seem to be able to instill in other men.” While I agree that this dynamic does exist, I am left wondering why is it that a mother or any woman cannot invoke that same kind of fear? Why is it that when a mother uses that same line that your husband used the other night, it communicates something different? Something not as threatening, at least. Moreover (and perhaps now I’m going on a hunch here too), these power differences/dynamics become problematic when we think about them in the context of violence against women. When I consider this piece, it has me thinking not so much about the value of fathers, but about the alarming lack of authority/credence given to the voices of women.

Dr. Weems,
I can’t stop thinking about the prom post after reading this. My daddy was a man of few words, my mother was in charge. I guess when we went to far she would tell him and then he would speak. I remember him tell me that my mother told him about me and i’d better strighten up and fly right, he never told me what she said i did. My father did something simular on prom night, he looked at his watch and told my date when this watch says 12:00 oclock she better be standing in this door. I thought he was terrible, because all night he wacthed the time to make sure we got back on time. I forgot he also asked who his father was and what he did for a living. I’m glad my father loved me enough not to care what i thought. I’m also blessed whith 8 granddaughter’s who have father’s that they think are terrible. I laugh when they call me to complain and i just thank God that their father’s are there. For all the obvious reasons you stated.

Rev Renita,

I feel what you’re saying more so than I am able to articulate. It’s not a “romanticizing” of patriarchy per se, but rather a remembrance of when men were protectors of women and children.

Rev. Renita, I think your hunch is correct. My father was not present in the home during my teenage years, yet believed he had to meet every boyfriend I had(he lived close by). I thought he was absolutely nuts and had no right to know who I dated. I thought he relinquished that right when he moved out our house. Yet, I still brought them by his house (not all of them). He would tell me that he knows what kind of guys were out there. I think he was partly reflecting on his own life and indiscretions(fear). The only guy he was glad to meet was the boyfriend that became my husband, I think he felt relief that the man that I was going marry wasn’t a complete nucklehead, like the ones he had met. I think a father’s presence does communicate something different to a young man and to the young lady.

As God would have it (I suppose) as I read this post John Mayer’s song Daughters comes on.

You can find the lyrics at: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnmayer/daughters.html

As a woman who still has some days when the Daddy bag-of-stuff still is a bit cumbersome for the journey, I have moments of wishing I knew what it was to have a Father protect and threaten a guy on my behalf. Truth be told, to have a relationship with my father now where he would be involved enough to look a brother in the eye (although no need for threatening looks all these years into womanhood) that says, “Don’t play, she is loved”…that would be a wonderful thing.

Thanks for these thoughts to chew on.

Father is a painful word for so many. I am so grateful to God that He heals us. The pronoun He is no problem for me. Through the many trials in my life, I have felt the guidance and protection and love of God. Today, I can say Abba Father Daddy God and know I am loved truly and completely.

@Anonymous
Please give youself a moniker and resend your comment. Anonymous comments are not accepted on the blog.

I have thought about the issue of parenting in terms of what role should parent/nurturer/caretakers of both genders play, particularly when one is absent - whether by design as in intentional single parenting through pregnancy or adoption or same gender partnering - or whether as the result of unexpected absence, imprisonment, abandonment or death or, deficient parenting. I’m thinking that since the species comes in two prominent flavors (with some variation), that a fully formed human soul needs input/care/nurture from one of each. I wonder how a single parent or single-gender pair of parents can gain appropriate other nurturers, especially if their families offer only absent, deficient, unsuitable, pathological or hateful and hate-filled candidates. I would like to believe that congregation members, Police Athletic Leagues, Big Brothers/Big Sisters and the like can and will make the difference, but I know that doesn’t always happen.

As a person in a same-sex couple raising two boys, with two gay men, I am not offended, and wanted to say I get it; in multiple ways. There have been parenting moments when I have noticed a nuance that I couldn’t quite manifest as a female-bodied parent. On the other hand, there have been times, that I know I have been something quite effective, and not traditional “mother” at the same time. I felt especially proud when I asked my son what I should wear to his first communion and he said a suit and tie would be appropriate for me! There is something to be said most of all, for a diversity of loving adults in our children’s lives.

My mother stated that she had a unwritten agreement between my favorite male Sunday School teachers to be their for my brother and I when her and my father divorced. I was adopted by another father when his wife became my mentor. I was told, and saw good models,by them both how to handle boys/men in relationships. They also volunteered to interview/meet each male person I was interested in. I am thankful for them both.

While I hate to valorize the authority dynamic as Jessica stated, it is what it is. The ability of a male to reach a male (and as a result, affect the treatment of a female) is real! I witnessed this personally, when to my surprise my 44 year old husband asked my father for my hand in marriage last year. Nothing would have led me to believe that a man his age, marrying a woman my age, would feel the need to do this, but he did. He knew I had a mother and father with standards to be adhered to and enforced if necessary. There is something to this notion and we need to encourage those women raising children alone to seek out TRUSTED surrogates. Likewise, we need to encourage the many brothas out here absorbed with their own accumulation and accomplishment to stand in the gap for someone else less capable.

Dads are important. I see it in boys who are trying to be men and assume protective roles of their mothers and sisters. I see it in girls who respond to everything males have to say/offer. It hurts my heart when kids compare daddies and some have nobody to throw in the ring. So I’m not mad when my own father is the father to the football team. He was the man who taught me to do things some men cannot do and the man who underlies some of my standards when dating. He didn’t even say anything to my prom date. (He just cleaned his shotgun/saw on the porch on the pre-prom choose-a-tux date.) It was primitive, but I know who is a waste of my father’s time. He hasn’t met many dates, but I know what he will say about how soft their hands are, whether they can change a tire, grill, or handle power tools, or if I have more jobs than he does and we are supposed to be a couple. I think he’s made sure I know what it means to be in “good hands” so I choose “good hands.” With my mother gone, I’m glad she picked the dad she did.

Ditto crt.

I praise God that there was help available when I discovered that I needed to learn how to do relationships better.

I hope more good dads will be involved in their children’s lives from birth until…. It does make a big difference for both male and female children.

I once stood up in a workshop that you facilitated and announced that I had just come to the realization that in looking for a “husband” what I was really looking for a father for my future children.

Having grown up with these strong women in my life, I sensed and understood the effect of the absence of a strong male.

As much as we assert our strengths as women, there is also the realization that God did create us to have separate and different roles in the family dynamic. In order to be well rounded our experiences cannot be limited to just one thing. This includes interaction with the opposite sex.

As for the father “threat” to the young man picking up his daughter…. it just simply that one species knows its kind…. let’s keep it real, we size up the little girl that our son’s date from the minute we lay eyes on her… and if she has any good sense she knows she better come correct before us because we will not only peep her hole card but we will expose it.

Yes Ma’am you are absolutely right. This generation is unfathered, and to a degree, unparented as well.

fathers & prom: my 8 y.o. daughter’s father has told here for years he will be the one taking her to prom. (They like to do silly dances together to whatever we have on the radio.) When she was 5 she agreed, now at 8 i don’t think she’s so sure about it

I think it’s problematic that men respect women/girls when they know they have to deal with another man. I get that this happens, but I don’t think the answer is to make sure all girls fathers or male protectors present. We don’t need men in our lives to protect us from other men, we need men to teach each other than women are people who are entitled to be treated with respect regardless of their relationship to other men.
Besides, this offers a false sense of security. When we walk alone at night in another neighborhood (city, state) having daddy or husband or boyfriend/brother/male cousin/uncle won’t protect us.