So funny to see your first sentence. I had just said the same thing on Facebook a little over a week ago.

ok–so they do because they can. and because it is expected(by other men) accepted ( by “the other woman”) and tolerated/celebrated/excused (by society)

So what does it take to change those expectations (peer pressure-man to man) and be clear about what is not acceptable (co-conspirator women–since they ain’t cheating alone)?

Society does not put up with other individuals who violate trust–child… molesters, doctors who practice euthanasia, or corporations who break contracts for example. Men will cheat as long as we as a society(all of us, both men and women together) tolerate, celebrate, and excuse adultery.

When are we going to raise the standards and hold everyone accountable for making a relationship work?

I know–changing the entire patriarcal system in which we live.

Gotta start somewhere.

It is ok to set (higher) standards and move towards change. Infidelity does not have to be “the norm”.

I have hope that both men and women have the capacity to be self actualized, responsible, responsive, mature individuals enjoying committed, respectful, fulfilling relationships.

I have hope, despite what is in the news
I have hope, despite having been(although unknowingly) for a short while
the “other woman”
I have hope, despite being single.
I have hope and self respect.

LoL! I get it. This is a subject of much discussion that cut the line between the sexes unevenly. Even men think it is wrong, will not speak out boldly and consistently against the practice. The church ain’t a sista’s friend either. In ancient biblical times, men could go to the priest to remedy her cheating ways, but where does a woman get restitution for her wondering man? There is nothing a woman can do to keep her man faithful. Either he wants to or will not honor his promise. With all the scandals associated with men cheating and ruining their lives, you would think they would deem the price to high to pay. Instead, they run to the fire at record numbers and act like the outcome will be different for them. God Bless the carcasses left behind to deal with the memory of his final days…

@Monique
Thanks for leaving a comment. But if you don’t mind I’d rather not link to the FoxNews sportswriter whose column on McNair you suggest we all read. His sexist, degrading comments last week about Serena Williams’ butt at Wimbledon make it obvious that he says and does whatever obnoxious thing he must to get readers over to his column.

I understand. Wasn’t aware. I’ve never read anything prior to this article I received, but to paraphrase, he said it’s hard to hear about someone’s devotion to community service in Tennessee and Mississippi when community service starts at home with your family. He went on to stress that regardless of the unknown condition of his marriage, while he was running around the country with this woman, his four boys needed their father and you can’t serve two households.

It’s unfortunate that “mess” often messes up the “message”. Not the first time, not the last.

I am suprised that Sanford’s wife is willing to stay with him after he said his mistress was his soul mate. Why would she want to stay with him when he says he’ll try to fall back in love with her?
Today the pastor of the McNair family was on the Early Morning Show. He just wanted to focus on the positive things that McNair did. He needs to be addressing the adultery issue head on.

Thank you Rev. Weems; as always, good point(s).

I wish men who are fathers could simply explain to other men that a really good father honors the mother of his children. Cheating on the wife, the mother of his children, does not honor her or his children.

I can’t imagine the pain, the anguish of being a mother of four children and having to explain to them how and why their father died . . . so needlessly . . . . I wish men (and their mistresses) would stop and think what such actions do to the children . . . .

CORRECTED ENTRY

Men cheat because not one of the fantasies they chase is that of their body outlined in white chalk, penetrated with four bullets, from a pistol lying under the body of “the other woman” sharing a like bullet in the brain.

Men cheat because the brain that directs them does not have eyes to see.

Dr. Weems,
I don’t have any smart, intellectual-sounding response to this one. On this topic, I take a heteronormative stance (I dont’ know why gay men cheat on each other, or why lesbians do so) and only my gut speaks. Men cheat because (we) women are of little value to most of them outside the sexual pleasure and status they may derive from us.
@Byrda,
My sentiments exactly! Men cheat because they don’t care to see what it will cost them (not to mention what it will cost us because that’s never taken into account anyway).

i’m not married so i’ll keep my comment brief. when i first heard about his murder, all i could think of was otis redding.

I’m wondering if McNair’s murder will stimulate conversation in an area rarely discussed, and that is the so-called “bad behavior” of athletes (and of course other men in positions of power, glamour and authority) where cheating is not only a risk and adrenaline rush but also a real sense of entitlement. I’ve dated a few professional athletes who spoke of how agents set up women for their married comrades, pay their bills for them, make sure Mistress 1 never crosses pathes with Mistress 2, and “manage” women in different geographical locations and very often the wives have no idea because these affairs are micromanaged. I’m not suggesting this is what happened with McNair, just providing a context. I think it’s interesting how hard they come down on athletes for gambling, steroid use, harming dogs, driving drunk, but they are rarely taken to task for adultery. Perhaps adultery is perceived as a “victimless” crime, although we know that is not the case. I am also wondering about this unfortunate young girl’s age will be discussed; she was barely legal (or is 18 the legal cut off age?) And FYI, a three time Bowl pick means he was selected to play in the Pro Bowl in Hawaii on three separate occasions. This game is usually played after the Super Bowl, and only the best of the best are asked to play. I love my football!

I know that men (and women) of every stripe commit adultery. I also know that celebrities and politicians live in a bit of a fishbowl. However, the frequency with which infidelity seems to come up in the ranks of the very famous and/or elected officials makes me wonder whether one of 2 things is going on:

1 - Is there something about fame and/or power that makes one feel entitled to this kind of thing or above the ethical rules that apply to “mere mortals?” or

2 - Is there something about the personality type that seeks fame or power that makes one also likely to cheat?

Dr. Reems,
I agree with your post whole-heartedly. Men cheat for all the reasons you mention: patriarchal priviledge and so forth. But I’d like to add also because they experience few or no negative consequences from their behavior. The reaon for laws and punishment (negative consequences) is to manage human behavior otherwise everyone would do anything and everything they want to do without any restraints at all.

When it comes to male adultery everyone and everything else is blamed: the wife, the other woman, male’s high sex drive, evolution, polygamy not being condemned in the bible, males need variety in sexual partners, men are visual creatures, and on and on. Unlike cheating wives who have to fear: violence or death once husband finds out, spouse leaving or divorcing her, shame/disgrace/hatred and societal stigma from family and friends, MEN rarely experience any of these consequences. At most, his wife will cry and be angry which is understandable, may break things around the house, go on a spending spree, or may even withhold sex for a period of time but that’s pretty much the extent of it. And as mentioned earlier, society will celebrate his behavior. So why do men cheat? Because they gain more than they lose from doing so unless they’re extremely moral.

Dr. Weems, I hope you post this. I hope you will accept my apology for my big ole mouth, and not thinking about what I say. I’m notororious for that.

About McNair,

When I read this and let it roll around for a couple of days, this is what I determined.

So many men, especially brothers, cheat because they don’t know who they are. Many of them don’t know their purpose, don’t know how to love, and do not know their value. Although, this brother had an NFL career, a wife and four children, obviously something for him was still missing. I believe that he didn’t know who God called him to be or he was not walking fully in it. This is my opinion, I think he knew his purpose for work, being on the field. But I don’t think he realized the greater call was to his wife and the four lives he was responsible for. So many brothers lose in the world of work, they feel disrespected and have low self esteem, so the only way they think they can win is through their conquests. It is so sad.

Dr Weems,

When scripture is read, generally the reader will end with something along the lines of, “This is the word of God and it can be trusted”.

I must ask you, as a minister, to explain the following for me:

“But the Bible, at least the part written by men, doesn’t say that adultery is a sin. Not when it’s men doing it. Let me be more specific. Not when it’s a married man having an affair with an unmarried woman. It’s only an affair when he’s having an affair with another man’s wife. As for what the Bible has to say about when a married woman has an affair. Stone her . Whether her lover is married or not. Stone her to death.”

If the word of God can be trusted, why do we question the way things are supposed to “be” as described, explained and instructed in the BOOK? As a thinking woman, I question just about everything until I gain understanding.
How are we to discern which of “God’s Words” are fact versus those that are debatable. Perhaps men on some cellular level live and act as God intended. I in no way condone men cheating, it’s just that your statement was one of those things that made me go, hummm???

Sisters,

You’re giving us too much cerebral credit. The reason why men cheat is pretty simple… It’s an option. In the same way that kids will eat as much candy is available to them, and other people will eat as many twinkies as they can stomach and another person will drive ass fast as they can. It’s simply because it’s desirable option. All of the things you all put forth are true of any sin. When we sin we don’t think about the real consequences, we just think about the gratification that we are being DENIED if we don’t choose to sin. We sin because we have the capacity to be extremely selfish and the opportunity to execute that selfishness.
So why do men cheat, for the same reasons we all go to McDonald’s, Burger King, White Castle’s, Pizza Hut, Wendy’s, and Taco Bell…it’s convenient, requires little investment, tastes good (salt, fat sugar),and you can just drive through and get what you want and be done. Men cheat for the same reasons we eat fast food.

@Nick,
But unlike an unfettered appetite for fast food/gluttony, cheating has a relational dimension. Gluttony is often a statement about how a person feels about herself. Infidelity speaks to your feelings about someone with whom you’re in relationship.
But I like you’re analogy about candy. It makes me ask why we allow men to develop an insatiable appetite for sex. Why is there gratification in unlimited sexual options, especially in the age of AIDS?

@Socgrad - Gluttony and a disregard for ones health is just as destructive as infidelity. It can result in early death, the inability to actively participate in the life of one’s children. The selfishness of gluttony can be just as damaging to a family.

Sex is easy and it doesn’t take much to get a strong appetite for it. The problem is not just the appetite but how we don’t train our children male or female how to deal with the urges and desires for sex.

@Nick,

You’re giving us too much cerebral credit. The reason why men cheat is pretty simple… It’s an option…Men cheat for the same reason we eat fat food.

Wow!!
I like to think that I am an old and wise enough to have lots of patience with and empathy for human weaknesses, even the ones I find objectionable. And I think I’ve looked wrong in the face enough and observed of human frailty long enough such that little surprises me. But your response floors me somewhat. I wanted to believe that even “cheating” is a little more complicated than what you’ve said, definitely more complicated than what many of my female commenters have proffered thus far. But perhaps you’re right. It’s an option that’s easy to seize and very gratifying. Plain and simple. Forget all those who it hurts.

If that’s true, we are all doomed.

On second thought, perhaps the question is not why do men cheat, but why do some men NOT cheat?

@ Dr. Weems - Some men don’t cheat because they fear being caught, had they little concern about this they would cheat, it’s a certain type of cowardice that keeps them at bay. These brothers look on at the cheating brothers with a certain type of envy. It’s like the cheating ride says you have to be 72″ and they’re on 70″, not quite up to the cheating standard, but would give anything to be there.

Still there are men who don’t cheat because they have the to sense to know that it ain’t worth it. For as much as the rush and the thrill will be exciting, fresh, and different, they’ve put too much into building what they already have. I think a lot of the non-cheaters fall into this category. These are the brothers who are actually trying to figure out how to grow and make their current relationship work. They are investing in the well-being of their home, wife, children, and community. They have a sense that their identity is not tied to who they can screw over, but to how the can train-up and partner well. This is a brother who’s taken to heart the practice of servant-lover. I know this sounds too idealistic, but to be a faithful man requires intention.

Now if we follow Jesus’ stinging definition of adultery, “If you so much as look…” Then yes, we are indeed all doomed. (bowing my head in sorrowful repentance…)

Men cheat for the simple reason that in a patriarchy, men program other men to believe that they can own their wives and many more. To do so is a sign not only of maleness but a sign of dominion. It’s in the air that they breathe from childhood. So for me, I am interested in those men who radically depart from this tradition and see women not as territories to be conquered but as an essential part of a landscape of worthwhile and equal humanity.. Subjects not objects.

Ruby Sales

I agree wholeheartedly with Ruby Sales.

Chris Rock said it best…men are as faithful as their options. Plain and simple.

You say…

What’s a wife to do? Get a life. Have a plan.

I wonder, have you ever been cheated on?

Do you know how it feels to come home from church and have your husband say to you “I don’t love you. I haven’t loved you for a long time.life’s too short to be miserable. I want out. I want to see other women.

Well, I do. It hurt. It still hurts even several years on. I’m sorry but saying “get a life” sounds far too flippant and insensitive to me. My “plan” was to stay married, but cheating hubby ruined that plan.

Why does it seem like you’re taking the man’s side here? or am I misinterpreting?

It has been said that “steve McNair loved his wife and family” after this story of his murder broke on the news, but I wondered how could you love your wife and family and turn around and say to a women you just met and had a few “good” times that I love you too? It appears that he had some previous intimate relations before which produced some children, I wonder was this before or after his marriage? What kind of mixed-up mind did this young man possess? It takes a bit of thinking to get around on the football field, I wonder why he did not use this same intelligence in his personal life?

One more thing about this topic, why do men cheat, maybe one should ask why do women put up with it? I quess we see that this young lady was not going to put up with it. I also noticed former President Bill Clinton remarks, “how his heart was broken over the incident” Heartbroken over the lost of life, or grateful over the fact that he did not go out that same way!

Spot on, Dr. Weems. As someone who has been cheated on, “get a life and have a plan” is perfect advice. I am curious to know your take on the Tiger Woods cheating scandal. Also, I would love to know your views on the women of no morals who make themselves available to these married men.