Sign me up on the old school side of the debate. You also can’t be a couch, a hand on the forehead, a cup of tea, a glass of merlot and real hearty belly laugh and the sight of your friend’s face fully engaged in love or sadness. You can’t get a hug; a real one, an arm around the neck and kiss on the cheek hug. you can’t get the deep satisfaction of sitting in silence with someone else in the room who really, really “gets” you, while you both read something totally unrelated. Or the banter of challenging scrabble words with a “oh, no you didn’t” while you reach for the dictionary and an exclamation point in your voice. Old school. Count me on that side of the ledger.

I think there’s something to be said about the impact of any relationship regardless of the medium. I actually learned strong rhetoric and many social skills from online forums as a teen. There were particular women from all walks of life that had a profound impact on the way I viewed the world. I learned complex debating skills arguing with some of them them. I felt mothered by some of them when those few “trolls” would go to far and they’d come to my defense. I’d say I felt a stronger connection with some of them than I did my own mother (which is another story entirely). I am out of touch with all of them now, but the imprint they made on my life is indelible. I question the health of having relationships like this as the primary means of human connection, but I never met some of the most important people in my life as a teen face to face. Perhaps if someone comes from a situation where face to face contact is dangerous or unhealthy, these online relationships can be a ray of hope and have a permanent positive impact.

I agree, thanks for that Rev. Weems. It’s like we are beginning to hear about “cyber church” where you hear, “why should I get up, get dressed and go to church? Why can’t I just watch the service on TV or on their website, live stream and all?” I fear the human connection may get lost.

I think you’re on to something here. I LOVE Facebook. I’ve got a number of FB “friends” whom I’ve never met. I enjoy chatting with them online. But I appreciate most about FB is the ability to connect and re-connect with people I know and have been out of touch with: relatives, classmates and colleagues from all over the country and all over the world. I find that my use of FB helps me deepen *pre-existing* relationships. I have to have had face time at some time with someone for them to be a real friend. My other, online-only FB friends are great conversation partners (sometimes). But I don’t really know them and they don’t really know me.

Hey Rev. Dr.,

At 38, I have to agree with you. When I need my serious prayer warriors stop what they are doing to get a message thru to HIM, 9 times out of 10 my cybers friends on Facebook and Myspace are not going to do it. My sistagirls who I talk to will.

I have to say as much as I love technology, it has caused the way male and females communicate. If one more male decides to send me a text message to ask how am I doing when he can easily pick up the phone to get real live conversation, I will scream.

Maybe we have decided we dont want real connections with people anymore which means we dont risk the possibility of getting hurt or disapppointed.

Just throwing it out there.

I don’t have anything particularly brilliant to offer, but I’d like to let you know that I both agree with you about cyber vs. real things and am still reading this blog (which actually has nothing to do with this entry).

Me, personally? About every 6 months, I “purge” all of my networking sites (FB, MySpace, bla bla bla). If I have not actually spoken to you (meaning you hear my voice talking and I hear your voice talking) in the past 6 months, you’re gone.

Cruel? Perhaps. But I like things simple. And you have to fight with technology in order to hold it to its supposed original purpose, which is simplifying rather than complicating our lives.

The connections we form in this medium are based on words and the images, feelings, emotions, and all other things we hope to capture in those words.

This medium in someways is not different than a connection we form with our favorite book, or our favorite movie, or our favorite song. The words resonate with our own experiences and serve as reference point, at times sacred, were we can share in common experiences.

The collective of these common experiences forms some type of community. Like when “your song” comes through the speakers at a party and you get up with all other people whose song it is too. In that moment you all are sharing something, might not be friendship but it is communal.

In the absence of someone’s physical presence, we rely on words to maintain that connection. If we can rely on words to maintain a friendship, why can’t we rely on them to initiate one? The challenge, however, lies in how we choose to use our words. The cyber-world gives us an opportunity to “define oneself” to an audience who doesn’t know how to read all that we are not saying in our words (the parts we selectively leave out). Its hard to hold someone accountable to their words, when there is no history or awareness of the “back story”.

In as much as our words are an accurate reflection of who we are as holes, then there is space for genuine connection, is that connection friendship? Not sure, but it could lead to it. I have friends who I met online and at a later time met them in person and we are people who I consider to be my friends. While I don’t seem them as often as I see people who live in my city. I still have a connection with them that is meaningful. So maybe this medium serves as clearing house of sorts, where you can identify kindred spirits, and potentially develop relationships that move beyond just a textual representation of yourself.

i am old school. it takes me over a year to establish a true friendship and more years to grow closer and closer. the only thing cool about texting, email, and other internet programs is you communicate at a faster pace. i still want to write letters in the mail, hang out like once a month, even go on vacation once a year. technology puts a wall up between two people. face to face is just that face to face.

I can’t totally agree with you. While my mother was dying, I made connections with people all over the world on a prayer networking site: prayabout.com. Don’t get me wrong, family and friends were there with me and for me, but there was something about those “perfect strangers” out there praying for me/us that really got me through. I was feeling SO far from God, and I think He knew that some of my issues about needing to feel closer to Him were challenged by the comfort He gave me through people I could not see, feel, hear or touch. It helped me to believe even when I could not understand. If the children of God could love and support me so freely without even knowing me, how much more did He love me and understand what I was going through?

Hmmm . . . I am really big on connecting with people in the physical sense even though I’ve met some amazing people through using the internet to organize to end violence against women of color. Of this group of amazing people I’ve met through the internet there is only one person that I consider a close friend. So, perhaps there is a difference between connecting with someone in cyberspace because you have mutual goals and connecting with someone because in general you have “chemistry” both in the physical and cyber environment. Also, I think it depends on what cyber medium you use to build a relationship. For instance, instant messaging is less intimate than video chatting. Overall, I think it is important that if you meet someone you have “chemistry” with online that you find offline ways to build that friendship.

Dr. Weems:

I agree with you. For me friends are spiritual endeavors born of sharing of ups and downs, good and bad. Most of the people I label friends I’ve know for at least 6-10 yrs at minimim and some almost my entire life. The value we place humanity often seems to have the same value as the dollar these days; half of what it use to be.

My concern is for the children and youth of the world that are in the developing stages of learning how to navigate relationships at all levels. What does this cyber relationship world due to that development. What impact will it have on their ability to interact face to face in the world, community and home environment.

That said, I have developed some priceless connections with people around the world from FB, Twitter, and MySpace. Yet, there are few of personal test of time friends that are a part of my cyber world.

No, cyber connections does not a friend make. Sending light and love.

I agree with Will that technology enhances relationships I already have. I’m trying to be careful to only connect with people I know. I don’t purge as often as Amanda, but I do try to keep the personal touches like Minister Monique.

Liletha, I’ve learned that if a guy goes towards or only sticks with the less personal forms of communication, then he doesn’t want anything serious.

Peace, All,
I knew a woman whose parents were diplomats and so while she was American, she was raised in boarding schools in various countries. She said one thing thqt struck her about being in the states is that we called nearly everybody we knew “friend.” (Unless, of course, we couldn’t stand the person.) For her, a friend was someone you were particularly close to. She called people she knew and were not close to “acquaintances.” Come to think of it, my mother did that too. She was big on not everybody’s your friend.

I know I do tend to use the term “friend” loosely — but it always applies to people I’ve encountered personally. I think there are different levels of friendship. Online conversations and blogs are different to me because you share thoughts, but not a living experience. I think you can see enough of a person online via their thoughts that you might want to encounter the person.

okay, been holding my tongue on this one. while i believe in old fashioned friendship/relationship, times have change with the ever advancing role of technology in our lives. the root of all of our great friendship is the values that these people have. 2009 brought me and my close friends even closer. but it is possible that somewhere in cyberspace is someone with the same values, etc. that these folks have. and if we were to meet face to face, they will gladly be there for me; a laughing companion, a prayer giant, a straight talker, a shoulder to cry on, and lips that are sealed. yes, we may not have the same history but again, the values are all in place.

so, let’s not completely declare cyberspace a place where no true friendship/relationship can be found because God still works in a mysterious way. they may not be physically present nor have a hisptry with us, but a time may come or a reason may exist when someone in cyberspace will be the angel that will accompany us a journey.

blessed advent and merry christmas when it comes after the eucharist on the 4th. sunday of advent!